The Belly of a Whale

The Hater

I hate how you never would curse, but now that you do sometimes, I think it’s annoying too.

I hate whenever I’m in a conversation with MY friends you think you can try and say something too.

I can’t stand the fact you actually think they’re still your friends.

I can’t stand how people go to your social gatherings and you think you’re all popular, when they only went so you wouldn’t start crying.

I hate how you still try and talk to me w. laughs and giggles like nothing’s wrong when we both know I don’t like you.

I hate how you try and spread your love and peace way with your attitude; it gets old.

I hate when people compliment you on your body when everyone knows you starve yourself.

I hated when you used to have the worst confidence in the world; now I hate how strong you’ve become because none of my words will affect you anymore.

I can’t stand how you never admit to who you are; I don’t like what you are regardless if you deny it or not.

I don’t like your status updates; I don’t like your tumblr.

I hate the way you speak and I hate the way you laugh.

I can go on forever, but just do me this one favor:  

Don’t come back here, no one wants you.

The Prideful

Now I have to say, pride is definitely something I witnessed growing up, especially in high school. I can’t tell you how many times people flashed their “Asian pride” in my face. Take a step anywhere and –FLASH! Asian boasting in my face. Even those who were only half Asian, or ¼ Asian let it known to the world that they were yellow and proud. Heck, even the Filipinos who didn’t consider themselves Asian boasted about Asian pride.

So like I said in my first statement, I was indeed used to very prideful people.

Of course, step onto the Utopian City of Sinning Beauties and you start to see more of what pride really is all about.

I’m going to be frank –I’ve never seen people so FULL of themselves.

Ok, ok, maybe that was a bit haterish; not my intention. I just have no real way of sugar coating this. The people here are very nice, and I’m happy to have met 99% of the people I’ve come across. But a lot of these people take pride to a whole new level.

I’ve learned that pride is very much the same thing as vanity.

Girls so positive their look will get his attention.
“She’s not even cute. He’ll fall for me for sure.”
Hair dyes, Victoria’s Secret, and M.A.C. never made so much money.

Guys so into their muscles you’d swear they were his children.
“Sorry, can’t make it guys. Working out my abs today.”
I’ve never seen so many douche tanks, protein powders, and organic meals in my life.

And people aren’t just into their looks, but also what they have accomplished. They brag about their surfing medals, brag about their popularity, boast on how they never get lower than a 92 on an exam. We get it: you’re the ultimate human being. But so is everybody else here, so stop thinking you’re that significant. Geeze…

The Real World

You know, it wasn’t until I entered college did I first witness sin. You’re all probably going, “What? Nonsense, sin is everywhere.” Suure it’s everywhere. Human beings are born to eat, sleep, and breathe sin.  In fact, oxygen wasn’t the first thing we breathed in when we came out the womb; sin was. Bet they didn’t teach you that in bio class huh?

See after I was born and breathed in that toxic sinful air, my gracious, God-fearing mother wrapped me in teddy bear blankets and rushed me back to our saintly home. There she nurtured me with holy milk and put me to sleep with the greatest works of Mozart, Tchaikovsky, and her own chimes of Latin hymns. She taught me to love Jesus and forced my butt into those wooden benches every Sunday so I could hear what the Priest had to say about the damned. I grew up watching Barney, Disney, and very little of “crude” Nickelodeon shows. But the sinning nature of my soul was always tempted by these unorthodox shows and I would sneak to watch them with my older sisters.

As I grew older so did my capability to grasp unknown words. I was 11 years old when I first heard the word “sex;” it was on an episode of Seventh Heaven. My little sister, then 9, turned to my mom and asked,

“Mommy, what is sex?”

Flustered my mother answered, “I still don’t know and I’m married.” Whatever it was, I associated it as a bad word because of the unbearable embarrassment I got from my mom. I also knew she wasn’t telling us the full truth.

Fast forward to high school and I was caught up with a few sexual lingos and the acknowledgement of misfit behavior. Still, I hadn’t any idea of the real world. I was trapped in a bubble. A tight little bubble my mother constructed that seemed impossible to pop.

Then I went to college. See if you don’t all remember, I go to UCSB. Let me reiterate that: I go to the Utopian City of Sinning Beauties. The school of ridiculously smart, rich kids who have nothing better to do than party and get high once they’re all done with studying. And you thought Brazil held some of the prettiest people? Guess again. I had never seen such gorgeous people in my life before I came here. Intimidation to the max I tell you.

It was like stepping into the devil’s lair. I had to carry my Bible and cross out at all times in order to still be blessed by God’s grace and forgive me for even witnessing such obscenities. Every night I bathed in holy water and my Neutrogena Rainforest to cleanse my putrid body. I prayed for the Lord to not allow me to fall to such wild temptations and keep my pure self, pure.

So why exactly was college such a sackful of catastrophic sin you ask? I’ll tell you why. 

I saw Pride. I learned of true Greed. I observed the doings of Envy alongside Wrath. I watched Gluttony pop its ugly head out of every corner Sloth went. And I saw Lust. Lots and lots of it.

And all these burned my little virgin eyes. I thought it was their ugly extremities that made me so terrified to leave my room every morning, but I was wrong. I was afraid because I was tempted by their undeniably inviting nature. How did God intend for me to fight them when they were present in every walking space I came in contact with?

Observe and not commit, was the best advice I was given. So that’s what I did. I observed and took note of all the deadly sins from afar.

missgreenwalt asked: hahaha! We are just so smart now, aren't we?? haha

lol we’re so smart because we actually have some of Einstein’s smart genes XP

The Struggle

I stand at 5 feet 3 inches.

I weigh 228 pounds.

Back when I was a teenager, I was active, thin, and attracted every guy that crossed my path. I got married to a successful doctor and decided to quit my job to raise a family. After my first born I dedicated all my time to her and lost all interest in my work out regime. During this time my sister passed away, leaving me with no siblings. Then my dad got cancer, my husband switched job locations, and I had my second child. By the time I finally checked the scale, my weight was a staggering 228.

I’ve never felt so disgusted with myself. Ever. It’s embarrassing whenever I see my neighbors. I got so many stares at clothing stores that I switched to only shopping online. My old friends…they don’t recognize me anymore. I spent two years not seeing my best friend. When we finally met up, she had to do three takes to make sure it was me after I called out to her. I never thought I would get this heavy. And now that I am, I had no idea it was so difficult. I’m no longer human to clothing designers and definitely not appealing to organ donors.  To know that my organs no longer qualify for donating makes me want to die a little inside.

My heart goes out to my kids. I have a seven year old and a twelve year old, and both of them have to face the sickening sight of their overweight mother. It hurts when I have to go to their schools; I know how mean other children can be. I never wanted to be looked upon as a joke. Especially to such important people like my precious babies.

And Dan, my husband, he says he loves me, but I don’t know if that’s still true. He doesn’t surprise me with gifts anymore and he no longer invites me to work parties. We don’t even make love anymore. I’m thinking he doesn’t find me attractive. The thin and hip girl he married back in the 90s has been replaced by a fat, depressed woman who rather stay inside watching soap operas than go out grocery shopping.

I’ve been trying to lost weight, but the more I try to, the more I gain. It’s that mentality thing you know? I set my diet and start on it. Two days later I take a look in the mirror and notice no change despite the fact I’m starving. I get frustrated and feed the first craving I feel. By the following week, I’m up an extra pound or two. And that cycle keeps happening.

Oh God I don’t know what to do with my life anymore. I hate taking pity on myself when I need to look strong for my kids. But it’s tough, it’s really tough. Food feeds depression, it’s a shame. 

The Little Things You Should Know About Me

1.I am utterly and shamelessly afraid to stay home by myself. I kid you not: the house comes alive once the last person steps foot outside.

2.Unless you want me to shut up and swallow a lump of tears in my throat, don’t dis my nationality or my faith. I’m most sensitive about my skin than my faith however, as words will never shake this Temple. So to all you minority haters, take a time machine and go back to when you were able to express your hate in public to a nodding crowd.

3.Nothing brightens me more than a random hello from a friend I haven’t heard from in ages. Thank you for thinking about me :)

4.My vision of love is too romantic for any man in this world to handle. Because I will not succumb to anything short of my visions, I do not believe love and all that goes with it is for me.

5.Truth be told, I never truly danced with someone until I entered college. Funny, because if you see me out there, you’ll see that I was made for the dance floor ;D

6.Asking me to cook/bake you something isn’t a burden but a sheer pleasure. I encourage you to indulge in my great culinary skills. Your filled stomachs and glistening faces will make even my cloudiest of days part for some sunshine.

7.I never had a date to a high school dance nor have I ever been on a date. I can’t make up the memories lost in high school, but I do hope one *ahem* lucky guy will seek my sophisticated company for dinner and a movie.

8.I remember all faces, conversations, outfits, and situations. It is not my creepy way of knowing you better than you do yourself or keeping tally of your lies. I just can’t seem to forget much of anything.

9.I really, REALLY love cows. I have a cow apron set I bought from Spain, cow plushies, cow mug, and I’m working on a cow cookie jar along with other kitchen accessories that adorn the cuddly print of black and white. Did I mention I was a cow for Halloween?

10.God gave me no brothers, but blessed my mom with four other daughters besides myself. Without my sisters, I would not be the person I am today. I’m the 4^th of 5.

11.Sometimes I’m afraid my followers will think my posts are about myself, especially the more scandalous ones, when they’re obviously not. But I guess that’s the beauty of anonymous messages. You’re free to assume it’s whoever you want it to be.

The Guilt

I still think about it every day. Not because it meant much, but because I knew it was wrong. I thought it was going to be a simple night out between friends. We hadn’t spoken in awhile and so I jumped at the spontaneous idea of hanging out. I just got out of work and didn’t have anything else to do with my night so I thought why not?

Things were good and I was having a good time. He had a new girlfriend, I just got over my last relationship; can’t say we were in the same boat but there were definitely similarities in what was tipping our canoe.  At some point in the night the friendliness changed. I can’t identify exactly when, but our simple topics started getting raunchy. Eventually it came to the point where we were getting turned on -well, me barely. I teased him though; a torturous gift I always treated my boyfriends with. It’s funny to think I acted in such behavior; I think I only did it because he couldn’t touch me when I knew he wanted to.

But there came to be a moment where we weren’t on the go and were far from public eye. I remained calm throughout the conversations and he was getting antsy. Hooking up was looking inevitable at that point. I didn’t help the situation by pushing him to his limit. So I guess it’s safe to assume that it was ultimately my fault when he started kissing me.  

He told me it wasn’t cheating. No, he said he didn’t consider what he did was cheating. But I knew that it was; I knew it was an act of infidel but I didn’t know how to say it. I didn’t want to make him feel like a criminal and me the accomplice, so I did what I do best and kept quiet. However my “generous” act of silence is why I’m still thinking about something. This something could have been a nothing, but I refused to let it bypass me.

It would have been so easy too. All it would have taken was a “no” to his kisses. I guess part of me felt like I was doing nothing wrong. It wasn’t I who was in the relationship and he didn’t regret any moment of it. Knowing he was okay with it was reassuring in the moment. What am I saying? I was numb throughout the whole thing. I never kissed someone I had no emotions for. It seems contradicting to say, but I wasn’t lusting for him either. I wasn’t even desperate, if anyone were to ask me why I did it, I wouldn’t be able to give them a definitive answer. I’m not a sex being; I’m a delicate girl. But during those 25 minutes of foreplay I felt like nothing more than a doll.

I realized something like this indicates I have no respect for myself. I do too: that’s why I didn’t have sex with him. That’s also why I refrained from sending him a booty call. I hope he doesn’t think about it. Thinking about it means he sees me as something quick and easy. I wonder about his girlfriend, how she doesn’t know; how she may never know. I think about her because it makes me think about myself. I’m scared she’ll one day find out and everyone will know that I’m the reason why he and she no longer hold hands. I’ll automatically be labeled as a slut without having ever slept with anybody. I’ve seen what people do to those girls. I’d be out casted like a Leper, no longer trusted…What if my next boyfriend cheats on me and I never find out? I guess ignorance would be bliss at a time like so. I also feel like, him cheating on me would be justifiable because it’s my karma. I am sorry, but apologies filled with regret don’t grant blind forgiveness. If that were so, killers would never be locked in prison.

Is this what they call a one night stand? I have to be honest, that was never something I wanted to check off my bucket list. 

The Faithful

I take every day as a gift from God. Every hardship that comes our way is His way of teaching us something new; a learning lesson that makes us stronger, wiser, and prepared for tomorrow. 

The Problem of Evil

Some philosophers argue that if there is a God, a being that is omnipotent and omnibenevolent, why would He permit evil to exist in the world? They argue against these claims: God is omnipotent (all-powerful) so He should be able to prevent evil; God is omnibenevolent (all-good) so He should want to prevent evil from ever happening; so therefore, evil exists in the world.

So with all that being said, why is there still evil? With a God who is up there watching over and protecting His beloved children, why would He let us suffer from the hands of evil? With such power, the omnipotent God can create any world He desires and preferably, one without evil. And by evil, I am referring to both moral and natural evil. Moral evil being what we as humans wrongfully do; natural evil being the suffering that comes from naturistic occurrences (cancer, tsunamis, famine etc). Atheists see it that since God is said to be omnipotenet, He could just create a world full of free beings that always make the right decisions free of choice. The world will be free of sin and moral evils. And being this omnipotent and omnibenevolent God, the world would be created free of natural evils as well. That world could have existed in place of this world. This omnibenevolent god would prefer a flawless world over an infected one such as this. Wouldn’t He himself then be considered evil to watch His creations suffer instead of prosper?

Of course not.

Think about it: evil is necessary in the world to appreciate the good. With the bits of evil that happens to one, allows for greater good to occur. To a Christian, the purpose of life on earth is to not envelope in happiness, but to personally know God. Objectors to the existence of God see it that if God exists, His purpose for us is to be happy and to provide a comfortable place for His children. Christians do not see it this way. Life on earth serves the purpose of us knowing God, accepting thy Lord as thy savior. Fulfilling that purpose grants eternal life in heaven next to the one we learned to praise and love so. Evil serves the purpose of allowing a deeper knowledge of God. It allows those to turn to God and trust in the Lord, therefore developing our dependability. God uses evil to challenge us. When evil happens do we curse his name in anger? Or do we turn to him for strength to endure the hardships?

Evil is there to shoot down and challenge our belief in God. God gave us all the power of free will, and let us choose if we wish to follow him. If we decide to follow him, we are rewarded eternal life rather than eternal damnation. As a Christian, I am aware of the faces of evil and what God has in store for me, so I do not feel that evil undermines my position before God at all. Yes it challenges it –like God intends- but that challenge makes me want to believe in Him more. With evil in the world I can’t stand on my own two feet alone. I need a crutch to keep me up, and God is that crutch I seek. Without it, I would not (I speak on behalf of all Christians) understand nor appreciate the power of God.

How do you view evil?

The Fame Monster

I will do whatever it takes to be the center of attention.

• I will destroy a friendship between two people so I can have their undivided attention to myself. All it takes are some lies and bullshit and say it was she who said it.
  
  
• I don’t mind making someone look bad so I look better.
  
• If no eyes are on me, I’ll fake an obnoxious laugh so everyone changes their focus. Ever laughed hard and tried inhaling?
  
  
• I will have sex with a bunch of guys so eventually people can identify me by description alone. People I don’t even know call out my name. It’s working.
  
  
• It doesn’t bother me when I spread someone’s secret they entrusted me with. At least I got attention for spilling something juicy.
  
  
• I lie about my family. I pretend that I have the biggest tear-jerking background so I have everyone’s pity. The more insane the stories get, the more people dismiss my bad behavior.
  
  
• I will buy people food so they like me.
  
• I steal the guys my girl friends like. I can’t have it if a guy thinks a girl is prettier/better than me.
  
  
• I pick fights so I can get heated up then cry to a bunch later. The drama gets my heart pumping.
  
  
• I will lie about my grades so I’m thought of to be a genius.
  
• I always pretend I’m drunk every weekend so I have an excuse to act crazy and get someone to take care of me.
  
• I have allowed myself to get alcohol poisoning so everyone could see me get wheeled away in the gurney. I got many worried calls that night. I didn’t hesitate to make my situation sound worst than it really was either.
  
  
• I will purposefully wear revealing clothing so I get guys tempted and girls jealous.
  
• I have no problem lying about what I do as hobbies. I like making myself sound more interesting than I really am. Makes me look like superwoman.
  
  
• I use everyone I know for the sake of my own interest.
  
• I don’t even care if someone doesn’t like me. They’re talking about me; therefore I’m doing something right.